BILLY BUNTER’S RAID

By

FRANK RICHARDS

THE FIRST CHAPTER.

A Little Run for the Aliens.

“Hallo, hallo, hallo!” and

“Hark !”

“They’re playing footer!” Bob Cherry grinned gleefully. “Here, come on; we must have a look at this !

And Bob Cherry dragged his two companions off towards the Cloisters. It was a keen November morning, and Harry Wharton, Bob Cherry, and Fiank Nugent— the chums of the Greyfriars Remove —were tramping round the Close before breakfast.. As they drew near the Cloisters, a series of startling shrieks and yells rang through the wintry air.

On the other side of the wide Cloisters stood the New Academy—the great red-brick building, presided over by Herr Rosenblaum, and tonanted by the sons of foreigners resident in England.

The yells, shrieks, and shouts came ringing through the Cloisters from the playground of the New Academy, and the chums of the Greyfriars Remove grinned as they heard them,

“On ze ball “

“Pick up, there !“

“On to pall! On to pall “

“Blay up !‘

“Zat you pass, you duffair “

“Ach ! Pass to pall, ain’t it.”

And there was the sound of a scrimmage and of wild shrieking. The three Removites dashed through the Cloisters, eager to see the aliens at the great game. The big gates of the academy grounds were wide open, as was usually the case. The Removites stopped in the gateway, and looked on at the scene, before them, with irrepressible merriment.

The aliens were playing football, having doubtless determined to emulate the Greytriars fellows. But their knowledge of the great game was limited. They knew that a football was acquired for the game, but that seemed to be about all they did know.

Two teams had been formed—of French and German juniors —but they were not limited as to number. There were about twenty fellows on each side, so that in point of numbers the match resembled a Rugby game. It bore another resemblance to Rugby, too, inasmuch as the Indians handled the ball as much as they wished to. The soccer portion of the play consisted in kieking wildly at everything and everybody that came within their reach.

“Ha, ha, ha!” roared Bob Cherry. ‘ On the ball, my sons ! Ha, ha, ha ! There’s a dozen of them on it now.”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

Fritz Hoffman, the German captain, was on the ball with a vengeance, sprawling across it on the ground, and Adolphe Meunier, the French skipper, was on Hoffman, sitting on his back, and clawing at his hair. Limburger had seized Meunier by the years, and was trying to drag him off, and Lasalle had just hurled himself at Limburger with clawing hands.

“My only hat !“ murmured Nugent. “I don’t think I should care to meet an alien team on the footer ground.”

“Ha, ha, ha ! Looks as if Meunier’s ears will come off.”

“On ze ball !“

“Pass tat pall, ain’t it

Charpontier dragged the ball out from under Fritz Hoffman, and dashed off towards cold with it under his arm.

The scrum broke up, and the players dashed after Charpentier, and Limburger dragged him down. The ball is appeared amidst a mass of waving arms and legs, and a babel of excited screeches rose.

“Where is zat ball ?“

“On te ball, ain’t it! Pass “

“Get off mein neck, you French peeg !“

“Ciel! I am murdair! Sherman beast !“

The ball came out of the press like a pip from an orange. The aliens did not notice it for a moment, and the struggle continued. Bob Cherry grinned.

“I say, kids, we ought to take that ball away before they do themselves any damage,” he said. “What do you say to giving them a run round the Close?”

“Ha, ha! Good wheeze!”

Bob Cherry darted in and was “on the ball” in a moment. He passed to Nugent, who kicked it to Harry Wharton. Wharton dribbled the ball away through the Cloisters, and a terrific screech rose from the aliens.

“Ach! Vere is tat pall ?“

“Zey have taken it.”

“Ciel ! Aftair zem

“Tat you follows me, ain’t it !“

The aliens, forgetting their mutual rivalry, dashed in pursuit of the Greyfrars chums. The three Removites sped out of the Cloisters, and into the wide, green Close. After them the aliens dashed, breathing vengeance.

“Come on !“ shouted Bob Cherry. “Pass!”

Wharton passed, and Bob Cherry ran the ball on, and then let Nugent have it. Passing like clockwork, the three Removites ran the ball swiftly on, with the whole troop of aliens yelling in pursuit.

Two score of shrieking French and Germans were tearing after the three churns, but they had not the slightest chance of catching them.

They were the three fastest forwards in the Greyfriars Remove, and they could have walked away from the aliens if they had chosen.

But just now they were laughing too much to put on their greatest speed.

They easily kept ahead, passing the ball one to another, while the foreigners laboured and shrieked after them in vain.

A crowd of Greyfriars fellows came out of the house, watching the absurd scene with yells of laughter.

“Ach !” panted Fritz Hoffmann. “Ach! I tinks tat I am out of te breath, ain’t it.”

“I zink so, too,” murmured Meunier.

“Ve must gapture dem.”

“Ciel! Don’t run against me, Limburger, you Sherman ass.”

“Keep out of te vay, ten !”

“I zink —“

“I tink —“

“Ach! Come on, and talk not !“ panted Hoffman.

The Removites had slackened down, to encourage their pursuers, and the aliens made a tremendous effort. They gained around, and came closer and closer, tall Meunier’s outstretched hand almost touched Nugent’s shoulder.

At last it touched, but the touch acted as a spur to Nugent. With hardly an effort, he increased his distance, and the Removites glided away from the baffled aliens.

“Ah, ciel!“ gasped Meunier. “I ziuk zat I can run no more.”

“Himmel ! I tinks te same, ain’t it.”

The Removites ran the ball right on, till they had made a circuit of the Close, and reached the Cloisters again. There they halted, panting, and laughing themselves out of breath. The aliens came plodding on.

“Ha, ha, ha !“ gasped Bob Cherry. “Of all the howling idiots at football, I think those screaming duffers take the cake! Football! They ought to be playing marbles.”

“Or dominoes,” said Nugent.

Harry Wharton laughed; and kicked the ball into the Cloisters.

“ Well, we’ve given them a little run,” he remarked. “It will do them good, and will count as the first lesson in footer. Let’s clear !“

It was time to clear, for the aliens were coming up. The Removites sprinted off towards the School House, and the panting aliens shook impotent fists after them.

“Zey have got avay viz zemselves” said Adolphe Meunier; “but ve make zem sing small for all zat.”

“Ach ! Tat is right, ain’t it ?“

“Ve shallenge zem to ze game of ze football, and beat zem at zeir own game,” said Meunier. “ I zink zat put zeni in zeir place.”

“Mein gootness! Te idea is ribbing !“ exclaimed Fritz Hoffman. “Ve peats dem at deir own game, ain’t it.. My belofed friend, Adolphe, you vas a great man.”

“I zink it is good idea,’ said Meunier modestly.

“I tink it is magnificent idea. Ve peats dem at deir own game after. I tink tat ve sends dem te shallenge pefore, ain’t it.”

And the aliens, somewhat comforted by the prospect of beating the Greyfriars fellows at their own game, trooped off gasping to their own quarters.

THE SECOND CHAPTER.

Billy Bunter Plans a Raid.

“I SAY, you fellows!”

Billy Bunter was standing in the doorway, and he intercepted the chums of the Remove as they came in.

“Hallo, hallo, hallo !“ exclaimed Bob Cherry, giving the fat junior a playful dig in the ribs which made him gasped for breath. “What’s troubling you, Porpoise?”

“ I—I say, Cherry, I wish you wouldn’t poke me like that; it quite takes my breath away. I’m rather short in the wind, and—“

“Bosh !“ said Bob Cherry cheerfully. “You’re a jolly sight too long-winded, that’s what’s the matter with you.’

‘Oh, really, Cherry —“

“The long-windfulness is terrific,” chimed in the Nabob of Bhanipur, joining the chums, “My esteemed comrades, I had the pleasurefulness of watching your exploits with the foreignful football. It was rippingful.”

“I say, you fellows !“

“Oh, run away and play, Billy !“

“It’s important, Cherry,” said Billy Bunter, blinking at the Removites through his big spectacle. “It’s very important, indeed. If you fellows don’t want to hear about it I’ll get somebody else to back me up.”

“Eh? What are you driving at”

“Come into a quiet place,” said Bunter mysteriously. “I don’t want the whole Form to get on to the wheeze.”

“What has the young ass got into his silly head, now?” grunted Nugent. “The Fifth is gone by, Bunty, and gunpowder plots are out of date.”

“It’s a jolly good scheme, Nugent, and if you fellows won’t take it up, there are others,” said Bunter, with dignity. ‘ I’m giving you first chance as you belong to my study.”

“After that, we can’t refuse to hear it, anyway,” said Harry Wharton, laughing. “Go ahead, Billy !“

“Come into a quiet spot then! It’s a dead secret.”

“Lead on, Macduff,” said Bob Cherry; “and if it’s some more of your silly rot, mind, you will get a thick ear !”

“Oh, really, Cherry – “

“Oh, get on, and don’t jaw !“

Billy Bunter blinked indignantly at Bob Cherry, but he led the way to a quiet spot, the Greyfriars chums following him. In a corner, by a deep window, Bunter stopped, and looked cautiously round. Bunter was extremely short-sighted, and the enormous glasses he wore did not assist his vision very much, to judge by the ludicrous blunders he was continually making. On the present occasion, at least a dozen fellows observed his cautious glance round, and some of them strolled up to see what was on. But the short-sighted Owl of the Remove did not observe theni.

‘ Well, get on with the washing,” said Nugent impatiently.

“ I’m getting on with it, Nugent; but I wish you wouldn’t interrupt me, and throw my ideas into confusion. I am always confused when people interrupt me.”

“Are you going to get on?”

“Ain’t I getting on? I was saying that I always get confused when I am interrupted, and so I do. Now, look here, would you fellows care for a big feed?”

“Is that. a conundrum?”

“No, Cherry, it isn’t a conundrum. That’s the wheeze.”

“If you want to stand a feed –““That isn’t it, either. I was thinking of doing so, but I’ve been disappointed about a postal-order, and I am rather short of funds at present. Of course, if any of you fellows cared to advance me something off the prize I am going to get in ‘The Gem’ Football Competition, I should not use—”

“You won’t have the chance, I fancy.”

“The certain fulness of my honourable chum’s statement is terrific,” purred Hurree Jamset Ram Singh. “The chancefullness will be nix.”

“ But that wasn’t what I was going to speak to you about, you fellows. I know you’re too jolly mean to lend me a few shillings. My idea was to raid a feed.”

“Raid it ! Are you thinking of robbing Mrs. Mimble, at the tuck-shop?”

“Oh, really, Nugent m”

“Or is it a raid on the Upper Fourth?”

“No, it isn’t. It’s a raid on the aliens.”

Bob Cherry gave a whistle.

“The aliens! How are we to raid them?”

“That’s the idea ! If you fellows will back me up it will come off all right !” said Billy Bunter eagerly. “ I don’t see what there is to cackle at in that suggestion, Bob Cherry. The aliens are going to stand a feed——”

“ How do you know”

“Because the fat chap Hoffmann came over to the school shop here early this morning, just before you had that row over the football, and laid in a big supply of grub. I was in the tuckshop, and I saw him. He bought up dozens of sausages, and a good many other things, and when I asked him if he would lend me a string of sausages until my postal-order came, he only grinned at me and mumbled something in his lingo. I couldn’t understand what it was, but I’m certain it was something disrespectful.”

“I shouldn’t wonder,” said Harry, laughing. “ And is that your great idea—to read Fritz Hoffman’s sausages?”

‘ Well, there were other things in his basket, too—ham and cold beef, and cheese, and several tins of salmon . I shouldn’t wonder if he were going to stand a feed to the whole giddy academy. Don’t you think it’s a jolly good chance for a raid?’

“My hat !” chuckled Nugent “Fancy Billy Bunter wanting to turn burglar !“

“Well, they have raided us, why shouldn’t we raid them ?“

“ Good idea,! But how?”

“Oh, you can rely on me ! I shall lead you—”

“Yes, I can see you leading us—I don’t think,” said Bob Cherry, with a sniff.

‘ It might be possible to raid the academy after dark, but I expect all that grub will be scoffed by tea-time.”

“Oh, we can’t leave it so late as that !” exclaimed Billy Bunter. “They may eat it if we let the grass grow under our feet. My idea was to raid the academy during the morning recess”

“In the broad daylight?”

“Nothing venture, nothing win, you know.”

“You young ass! It’s not quite good enough.”

“I don’t think you ought to hang back where I’m willing to lead. Cherry.”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“I say, Wharton !”

“Not good enough, Billy—not at any price ,” said Harry, laughing. You will have to think of something better if you are anxious for a free feed.”

“But I say—I say, you fellows _-“

But the chums of Study No. 1 were walking away. Billy Bunter blinked after them indignantly. The idea seemed to him simply ripping. He was not a venturesome youth by nature, but he would have run any risks to read a good feed. It was too bad to have to give up a really ripping idea for want of proper backing up. He turned round as he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“ Hallo, Russell !”

“It isn’t Russell,” said the voice of Ernest Levison. “ I heard what you said to Wharton, Billy “

“Oh, did you !“ said Billy. “Just like you to listen—.”

“Ow! Leggo mu! You’ll make my glasses fall off if you shake me like that, Levison, and if they break, you’ll have to pay for them! Ow ! What I really meant to say was that I’m jolly glad you heard me speaking to Wharton,”

“That’s better.” said Levison , releasing the fat ear, which Billy Bunter proceeded to rub ruefully. Wharton won’thelp you in this scheme .”

“It’s a case of jealousy,” said Billy Bunter. “Wharton is always touchy when he thinks I am likely to eclipse him in any way. I don’t see what there is to cackle at in that, LevLson.”

“Certainly not,” said Levison, cackling all the same. “A fellow of your abilities, Bunty, must expect to meet with jealousy.”

“Well, I do, of course; ‘but it’s annoying, all the same,” said that junior. “It seems a sin, to lose that feed, because —“

“Well, you can get somebody else to back you up.”

“H’m, yes; pe rhaps—

“No perhaps about it,” said Levison heartily. “I’m one, and I’ll soon get some of the other fellows to join in— Skinner and Bulstrode and Stott.”

Billy Bunter brightened up wonderfully.

“Ripping !” he exclaimed. “With four fellows to help, I could manage all right. You see, I should remain in—in the background, directing operations. Good generals always do that, you know. A good general never goes under fire.”

“Of course not !“ agreed Levison. “And we should go ahead, and leave you behind directing operations, of course — I don’t think,” he added, under his breath.

“Good. You’re a sensible chop, Levison. Now, my idea was for me to stand in the gate, you know, t’other side of the Cloisters, and direct you. You fellows will go into the academy grounds, and enter the building at points, and look for thø grub. It’s bound to be hidden in the dormitory or in one of the studies . I will remain on the watch—in the gateway, and- and direct operation). You can rely on me u do that.”

“Yes, I am sure we can rely on you to remain in the gateway, Billy. I’ll speak to Skinner, and Stott, and Bulstrode, and we’ll try after first lessons.’

“Good—jolly good “ said Billy Bunter, with great satisfaction .

And he went in to breakfast with a beaming smile upon his fat face. Levison did speak to Bulstrode, Stott, and Skinner, and the way they laughed when he explained to them, showed that they considered the wheeze to be an excellent one; but whether Levison’s intentions were the same as Billy Bunter’s was another matter.

THE THIRD CHAPTER.

Bunter Leads.

BILLY BUNTER looked extremely pleased with himself that morning. The prospect of shining as a party leader, and of capturing a substantial feed, and eating it afterwards , was a very attractive one to the fact junior. He was a little absentminded in class, and brought down Mr. Quelch’s wrath upon himself by a random replies. When the Remove master wished to know the chief product of Lancashire, Billy Bunter absently replied “ German sausages,” much to the amazement of the master and the Form. An imposition of fifty lines brought him to himself. He was very glad when the class was dismissed after first Lessons for the usual recess; at eleven o’clock. Bulstrode, Levison, Stott, and Skinner followed the fat junior out into the Close.

Bunter blinked round at his followers.

“You fellows ready?” he asked.

“Here we are,” said Levison. “Large as life.”

“Good! Back me up, and we’ll have the feed all right. Come on.”

And Billy Bunter, with a very important air, led the way across the Close. Levison & Co. winked at one another solemnly, and followed him.

.Bob Cherry glanced after them rm the doorway.

“Hallo, hallo, hallo“ he exclaimed. “Billy has raised an army after all! Look there !“

Harry Wharton frowned a little.

“ I suppose they are rotting,” he said. “Bunter is ass enough to be taken in, though he ought to know Levison and Skinner by this time.”

“Ha, ha ! It will do him good. Perhaps he won’t be so anxious to shine as a leader after this periods’”

Billy Bunter, however, had no misgivings. He marched on, with his head held very high , and his nose in the air The raiders disappeared into the Cloisters. They reached the gate that gave access to the academy grounds, and found it shut.

“H’m! That’s because of the row this morning,” said Levison. “ It’s fastened, too. The alians don’t seem to be in sight. Are you going to get over the gate, Bunty?”

“Oh, no!” said Bunter. “It is my place, as leader, to direct operations . You fellows will climb over the gate, and I shall direct operations from here. I can see through the bar’s, you know, so it’s really just as good as if I came over the gate.”

Levison shook his head solemnly.

“I think you ought to climb over the gate, Bunter. It would give us more confidence if you were with us.”

“Oh, really, Levison—.”

“Much more confidence.” said Skinner. “Of course, we don’t want our leader to enter the house; but he ought to be inside the gate.”

“Oh. really. Skinner——”

“Certainly,” said Bulstrode. “Bunter claims the gate first of all, and directs operations standing inside. Then we carry out his instructions.”

Buntor hesitated. He didn’t want to get on the dangerous side of the gate. But his followers had evidently made up their minds, and he reflected that if they came scuttling back with the aliens after them, he could climb the gate and escape first.

‘Well, if it will give you fellows more confidence,” he said reluctantly , “ I don’t mind. Are there any of the aliens in sight, Levison?”

As a matter of fact, Fritz Hoffman and Limburger were standing near a corner of the red brick academy, staring at the group of juniors through the gate. But the Owl of the Remove was far too short-sighted to see them. Levison shut his eyes tight, and turned his face towards the academy.

“I can’t see any,” he said.

“That’s all right, then. Give me a bunk up !”

“Right you are”

The Removites gave Bunter the required bunk He clambered to the top of the gate, and succeeded in putting one fat leg across it. Hoffman and Lirnburger watched the proceedings in absolute astonishment. For one of the Greyfriars juniors to invade their quarters under their very eyes seemed to have them the very pinnacle of cheek.

“Me in gootness !“ murmured Hoffman. “I tink tat ve collars tat sheeky rotter, ain’t it?’

“I tinks so.” said Limburger.

Bunter rested on top of the gates, gasping for breath.

“I—I think I’ll stop here, you fellows!’’ he exclaimed. “I—I can se better from the top of the gate, and can direct operations from here much better than from the ground inside and”

The Removites had climbed the gate, and were sitting astride of the top. Bulstrode grasped Bunter by the the shoulder .

“Better get down inside, Billy. It will give us more confidence.”

“I—I---. Ho1d on, Bulstrode ! Don’t shake me like that I—I shall fall!“ howled Billy Bunter, as the Remove Billy , under pretence of helping him, forced him over on to the inner side of the gate. “ I—I—I shall fall I— Ow !

Oh! ”

Bunter swung over the gate, cleaning on by his hand, and kicking wildly against the bars. He held on for a few seconds, and then dropped. His spectacles fell off, and he stooped and groped for them,

“I say, you fellows, I—I’m quite out of breath! Come over if you’re coming ! There’s no time to waste! Where are the these beastly spectacles?”

“There they are, Just by your hoof,” grinned Stott.

“ Dear me, so they are !” Bunter jammed his spectacles on his little, fat nose. “Come on, you fellows ! I suppose you’re not going to hold back now I’ve led the way? Ow ! Who is that ? Is that you, Bulstrode?’’

“Ha, ha, ha!” roared Bulstrode.

He was still on the top of the gate. And, so were the others. It was Fritz Hoffman who had an old of Billy Buntor.

“Ac h, I have got him, pefore!”

“Soh ! Ve captures him “ grinned Limburger.

Bunter nearly fainted when he found himself in the grasp of the aliens. He yelled frantically to the practical jokers on the gate.

“Help! Rescue! Ow! Help!”

“Ha. ha, ha!” roared the jokers.

“Rescue ! “

"Ve capture him after, ain’t it?” chuckied Hoffman. Pring him avay.”

“Sehr goot!”

The two Germans draft away the unfortunate Bunter. The yelling of the dismayed captive brought a horde of aliens racing round the corner of the building from the playground beyond. There was a yell of delight as the prisoner was seen.

“Ciel! It is ze prisoner of var “ exclaimed Meunier.

‘‘Goot! ‘‘

“Pravo!

“Leggo! Lemme alone! I’ll get out if you like. I’m sincerely sorry I came over the gate ! “ howled Billy Bunter. “ It was that beast Bulstrode’s fault ! Hellup: I’ll get out ! Don’t pull me about like that! Rescue ! Beasts ! Ow! Oh !”

“ Ach!. Ve have got him!”

“Ciel! Ve catches him, and ve make ze example of him!”

“Duck him in ze fountain “

“Pravo !

“Goot! Duck him in te fountain pefore!”

‘‘ Hellup—hellup ! Oh ! ‘‘

A dozen pair of bands were grasping the fat junior. Hp was yanked along with a speed that took his breath away, and there was a sudden terrific splash as he was plumped into the fountain. He gave a strangled gasp as the water closed over him, and he was dragged out again as Limbaugh as a rag.

“Ow! Hellup ! Murder! Help!”

“Is it zat you are sorrowful zat you entair our quarters?” demanded Adolphe Meunier.

“ Help! Fire!

“Duck him in ze fountain vun ozzer time!”

“Himmel ! Duck him in !”

“ Mercy!” shrieked Bunter. “ I’m sorry; I’m anything you like! I’m when it all over! I— I’ll get out if you’ll only let me go! It’s that beast Levison’s fault! Ow !”

“Ha, ha, ha! Ze fat peeg cry for ze mercy l”

“It is vun glorious victory, MPIN friends !”

“You vas right, my dear Fritz !’’

“I am fery blepsed mit your goot opinion, my dear Adolphe !” and

“Help! Owl I’m dripping all over ! Groo ! Lemme go ! ”

“Keeck him out !”

“Shuck him out ! “

Hoffman released the wriggling Bunter. He pointed to the gate.

“Tat you runs for it. “ he said. “ Ve giffs you vun second start, ain’t it?”

Billy Bunter understood. It was not much of a start, but he darted off, and the running he put up under those trying circumstances would have done him credit on the cinder-path. The aliens, with a shreiking whoop, swarmed on his track; but Bunter reached the gate. He clambered blindly over, and Levison lent him a hand, and he was dragged over.

He dropped on the safe side panting and palpitating like a frightened rabbit. The jokers of the Remove shrieked with laughter. The aliens were shrieking also through the bars and of the gate.

“The game seems to be up.” said Bulstrode. “No good trying to raid the aliens if our leader turns tail like this.”

“Oh, really, Bulstrode - “ gasped Bunter.

“Oh, I’m off!” said Bulstrode , and he walked away with Levison, Skinner, and Stott, the four of them roaring with laughter. Billy Bunter picked himself up, and water squirting out of his clothes and his boots. He wiped his dimmed spectacles and jammed them furiously on his nose.

Meunipr was rattling at the fastening of the gate, and Bunter, terrified at the idea of falling into hostile hands again, bolted through the Cloisters,

A hand grasped him by the shoulder in the Close, and stopped him.

“Leggo!” shrieked Bunter. “Leggo, Bulstrode, you cad! They’re after me!”

“It’s not Bulstrode, ass!”

“Oh, is that you. Cherry? They’re after me!”

‘ They’re not,” said Harry Wharton, with a glance in the direction of the Cloisters. “ Its all right, Bunty. How did you get in that shocking state!”

“The— the beasts ducked me in the fountain !” gasped Bunter.

“Phew! Have you been over the gate?”

“Yes, and the routers wouldn’t back me up! They were only fooling all the time. Beasts, I call them ! Ow ! I know I shall catch a cold!”

“You certainly will, if you don’t be quick and change your things.” said Wharton. “Cut off, and get a good rub down.’

Billy Bunter cut off. But the damage was done, and when he came down after changing his things he was sniffing and snuffing. There had a short and time before been an epidemic of colds in the Remove, and Bunter’s cold seemed to have come back now in a more malignant form; and Bulstrode and Co., instead of showing sympathy the sytimpathy which the fat junior naturally expected, seemed to regard his cold as really the cream of the joke.

THE FOURTH CHAPTER.

A Deputation from the Aliens

“ ORDAIR !”

“Tat is right. Order dore, ain’t it?”

“Sehr goot! Order, and do not crowd “

‘ I zink zat we impressed zem” and said Adolph Meunier, “ zat ve keeps in good order; and mind, mes enfant I speak to ze rotters ovair zere.”

“I tink tat I do te speaking petter, Adolphe Meunier.”

“I know zat I do him better, Fritz Hoffman.”

“I tink—”

“I zink-“

“Interrupt me nod, you French ass!”

“I interrupts you as often as I like, you Sherman peeg!”

“French peast!”

“Sherman rottair! “

And then there was a scramble . The aliens were mustering in the Cloisters after school hours, in the dusk of the game November evening. They had decided to send a deputies and over to the Greyfriars Remove with a. Challenge to a football match---or, as they called it, feetball—and they intended to make the deputies from an imposing one.

Half a dozen aliens had been selected as deputies and most of the others had come to the Cloisters to see them off. Unfortunately, the old dispute between French and Germans had restarted, and bade fair to nip the scheme in the bud. Limburger pushed his way forward as Hoffman and Meunier staggered against a stone pillar in frantic combat.

“Tat you hold on ! he exclaimed. I tells you——”

“French peastly pounder “

“Fat Sherman rottair! “

“I giffs you licking!”

“I trashes you fearfully!’

“Peeg !‘

“Beast !”

“Tat you shuts up!” roared Limburger. “ Hold on, and stop, ain’t it? Is tat how you sends te deputies and, fatheads?”

“It is te fault of tat French peast—“

“ It is all due to zat Sherman rottair –“

“Stop, I say ! let it be that you make friends and embrace, for ze good of ze cause !” said Limburger per-

“Ciel! Zat is ze good idea,” exclaimed Charpentier, “zat you embrace for ze good of ze cause !”

And they dragged the combatants apart, Hoffman and Meunier had both received some severe knocks and scratches, and they were not unwilling to cease fighting.

“ I tinks I makes friends if Meunier vish it!” gasped Hoffman.

“I zink I make ze friend viz my dear Fritz of ze good heart.’

“ I embrace my lofed Adolphe

“ I kees my dear Fritz

And they forthwith embraced and kissed. This being amicably settled, amidst the plaudits and tears of the rest of the emotional aliens, the discussion of the order of the deputation was resumed, the rivalry of Hoffman and Meunier being now replaced by an overpowering politeness.

“Ze post of ze speaker of ze deputation I 1eaves to my dear Fritz,” said Meunier. “I backs him up.”

Hoffman shook his head.

“Nein, nein, mein friend! Te post of te speaker I leafs to you, and I packs you up.”

“ I backs you up, my lofed Fritz !”

“I packs you up, my dear Adolphe!

“You speak ze bettair of ze two.”

“Nein, nein You speaks te petter of te two.”

“ Let it be tat you both speaks,” said Limburger. “You both speak and packs one anoder up, ain’t it?”

“I tink tat is a goot idea.’

“I agree to zat viz ze good heart.”

“ Zen let us go “ exclaimed the cell.

“Ve pre rettv pefore, ain’t it?’”

The deputation formed up again. The six chosen juniors marched off two and two into the Greyfriars ground, and the aliens in the Cloisters send out cheer after them. Hoffman and Meunier went first, then Charpentier and Limburger, and then last cell and Sachs. They marched across the Close with an air of great dignity, and I reached the house without hindrance, as most of the Greyfriars fellows were indoors in the role November evening. But as soon as they entered, and looked into the junior common-room there was a yell.

“ Hallo, aliens “

“Cheek, coming here!” granted Billy Bunter. “ bedder dug them in the fountain, and give the beasts a gold, same as they’ve given me.”

“ Well, that’s not a bad wheeze“ said Bulstrode.

Meunipr wavcd his hands in signed a peace.

“ We are a deputation,’ he announced. “Ve come in amity. Ve vishes to see Wharton.”

The aliens were looking into the junior, groom. They did not enter, not liking exactly the look of the Greyfriars Juniors.

“ Collar them “ exclaimed Bulstrode. “ Let’s duck the rotters in the fountain!”

“ Serve them right !” grunted Bunter, “Give the beasts a gold each!

‘I say zat ve are a deputation, and ve come viz shallenge

‘ Tat is righd ; ve gome mit challenge.”

“Vhere is Vharton?”

“Tat is it—vhere is Vharton?

“Wharton’s in his study ,” grinned Bulstrode, “so are his friends. But can deal with us. ‘We’re here.’

“Rather “ said Skinner. “And the fountain’s just outside!”

“Dug them ! Dug the rodders !”

“I say zat ve are a deputation! Zat you keep off !“ exclaimed Adolphe Meunier. “Ve com in peace viz you.”

“Rush them!” shouted Bulstrode.

Some of the juniors made a rush. The deputation scattered back along the passage, and tore upstairs. Bulstrode & Co. dashed after them, but the alie ns were quicker. They reached No. 1 Study safely.

Meuier flung the door open. Bulstrode stopped on the stair. He did not care to pursue them into Harry Wharton’s quarters. The aliens breathlessly rushed into the study. The Famous Four were at their preparation, and they started up in surprise at the sudden invasion of the foreign us.

“Hallo, hallo, hallo! Aliens !“

“Cheek !’ ejaculated Nugent, taking up the fire shovel. “Raiding our own quarters ! Go for them !”

“The cheekfulness is terrific !“

“Beace! Ve gome in beace !“

“Zat is correct. Ve come in peace, mes enfants. Let zere be peace !“

“ Easy with the shovel, Nugent !“ said Harry Wharton, laughing. “What do you chaps want here? Don’t jabber all at once.”

‘ Ve are a deputation.”

“You’re a -- a what?”

“A deputation. Ve gomes to pring te challenge.”

“Zat is correct. Ve comes to bring ze shallenge.”

Harry Wharton stared at them.

“What challenge? What are you going to challenge us to?

You explain to ze rottair, my dear Fritz.’’

“Nein nein! You explain to te pounder, my dear Adolphe.”

“You till put ze mattair moosh bettair zan I could !’

“Not at all, my dear Adolphe. You puts him petter tan I.”

“My dear Fritz —“

“My dear Adolphe — “

“If you chaps are ever coming to the point, come” said Harry Wharton.

“ We’ve got our work to do, and we can’t stand here all the evening watching you bow to one another.”

“The irnpossiblefulness is terrific :“

“C’est vrai. Zey are peegs, my dear Fritz, and not comprehend ze Continental politeness !”

“Tat is ferry true, mein lofed Adolphe.”

“Zen, if you insist, I explains, and you backs me up.”

“I do insist , and I packs you up after “

“You pack him up?“ said Bob Cherry. “What on earth are you going to pack him up for? Is he going on a journey?“

“You not understands pefore.”

“Blesscd if I do! Are you going to label him when you pick him up?

“I packs him up—‘‘

“Zat is correct. I speak ze speech, and my belofed Fritz packs me up viz himself. Ve arc ze deputation from ze academy, and ve shallenges you.”

“Good! What’s the challenge?”

“To ze game of feetball.”

“ What ?‘ roared the Removites, with one voice.

Meuniêr grinned with delight at the impression his challenge had created.

“Ze game of feetball.” he repeated. “ Ve shallenges you to meet us at ze game, and ve vill giff you vun fearful licking viz yourselves !”

“ Tat is right -- a fearful licking, mein friend ; and ve puts you in your place after.’

The Famous Four stared at the deputation. The aliens, pleased with the impression they had made, raised their noses a little higher in the air, and shrugged up their shoulders.

Amazement held the chums of the Remove silent for one moment. Then they surprised the deputation by bursting into an uncontrollable roar of laughter.

“Ha, ha, ha!”

THE FIFTH CHAPTER.

Declined with Thanks.

“Ha, ha, ha!”

The pliens stared at. the Removites in astonishment.

At first they thought that the laughter was a pretence to cover up fear uneasiness at the challenge, but they soon saw that it was genuine. As a matter of fact, the Famous Four were simply convulsed with merriment. The idea of the aliens playing football at all was amusing, after what they had seen that morning, but to think of playing the Remove -- the Greyfriars Remove—was really too funny.

The four chums yelled with laughter, and the tears ran down their cheeks as they vainly tried to control their mouth.

Amazement gave place to indignation in the looks of the aliens. They exchanged glances, and they shrugged their shoulders, and elevated their noses still higher in the air. And the Famous Four roared again.

“Football ?“ sobbed Bob Cherry. “I beg pardon—feetball! They are going to play ze fcetballV’

“Good old feetball !“ gurgled Nugent. “They are going to play feetball—with feet, and hands , and teeth, and fingernails !’

“My hat !“ gasped Harry Wharton. “They—they are too funny to lift !”

“The funnifulness is terrific !“

“Feetball! Oh, my only Aunt Sempronia !’

“Ze feetball,” sad Nugent. “Yes; I can see them playing the Remove. Ha, ha, ha’!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

Hoffman, Meunier & Co. glared at the convulsed Removites. They began to see that they had not impressed the Famous Four very much after all !

“Ach! I tinks——”

“I zink --

“ “Sorry “ gasped Harry Wharton. “You must excuse us; we couldn’t help it. You see, your challenge struck us as funny.”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“We—we never expected and a challenge to play feetball –“

“Ha, ha, ha !“

“We call it football ourselves; but, of course, that’s a detail—.”

“Ze game is played viz both feet, I zink “ said Meunier.

“Yes; but——”

“Zen I zink zat ze proper name is feetball. If it is ze as football, you play viz only vun of ze feet..”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“I tink tat my lofed Adolphe is quite right, ain’t it?”

“Oh, feetball if you like “ said Wharton, “Of course, you would know. You play the game so splendidly. But –“

“You takes our challenge?”

“Well, you see, we haven’t any convenient dates just now——“ and

“If you refuse our challenge, Wharton, but an e tinks you are afraid, ain’t it? Ve denounces you as te coward.”

“That will ba rather rough, of course.” grinned Wharton; but I think we’ll risk even that rather than play football with such a ripping team as you are! “

“Rather !“ murmured Nugent.

The ratherfulness is terrific!”

“I tinks tat you are afraid. You make mooch show of te feetball, and ven you get challenge, you dodges out of him. Yah !“

“Yah !“ said the deputation in chorus.

“I points te finger of scorn at you !“ And Hoffman sited and the action to the word. “Ach! Ve depises you— do ve not, my dear Adolphe ?“

“Ve do, my lofed Fritz— ve does! I also point de fingair of ze scorn.”

A In d Meunier did so. The whole deputation followed suit, and six fingers of scorn were silently pointed at he chums of the remove. Strange to say, instead of being crushed thereby , they went off in a fresh yell of laughter.

“Tat is to hide their mortification,” murrnured Fritz Hoffman. “ I tink tat in deir heart dey feel ferry schmall.”

“Zat is correct, my dear Fritz.”

“Oh, my word !” said Wharton, wiping the tears from his eyes. “We—we can’t accept your challenge, you know, because——”

“Because you fears te licking !“ said Fritz Hoffmann majestic Lee.

“No. But, you see, there are difficulties in the way. What kind of football—I mean feetball ---do you play?”

“Ve have not play mooch so far, but ye are taking up te game.”

“Zat is correct.”

“And when do you want the match to, of?”

“On Saturday afternoon ye plays you and peats you hollow. Ve have been learning te feetball for several days, and ve plays up vell.”

“They’ve been learning football for several days ,” murmured Bob Cherry faintly. “Oh, carry me away to die somewhere!“

“It vill be te first match ve havo played mit an outside team,” said Fritz Hoffman. “I have no doubt tat ve licks you hollow pefore.”

“I zink zat is certain.”

And the deputation all solemnly nodded their heads. What they did not know about football would have filled large volumes, but they had a confidence in themselves.

Wharton hardly knew what to say. The aliens had come over with the challenge in deadly earnest, and he did not want to hurt their feelings, but the idea of meeting them on the football-field was too funny to be seriously entertained.

“What knd of game do you play?” he said, trying to be serious. “You see—”

“Ve plays ze game of feetball.”

“Do you play Rugby ?“

“Ve have not play any outside matches yet. Ye vant to play Greyfriars first, and after zat ve plays ozzer public schools.”

Harry Wharton laughed.

“I mean, do you play the Rugby game? I should think that was what you were aiming at when I saw you playing this morning.”

“Ve plays football”

It was evident that. Meuuier had never heard of the Rugby code, and probably he was quite unaware that there were two varieties of the national game.

“But there are two kinds of football,” Wharton explained patiently. “ Rugby is one –“

“Generally called Rugger,” interposed Bob Cherry, “on account of the Other options which often arise in the game.”

“And Association is the other.”

“Usually called Soccer,” went on and the veracious Bob, “ because, when you play it, you’re supposed to give them socks.

“Ha, ha, ha !“

“Oh, cheese it, Bob “ said Harry, laughing. “ You see, Meunier, there are two varieties of the game, and you don’t know —“

“‘Tether from which,” said Bob Cherry.

“ And so it will be impossible—”

“I zink zat you seek to evade ze shallenge because you are afraid.”

“I tink te same as my dear friend Adolphe.”

“My dear chaps, we’d play a match with you with pleasure, but you don’t know as much about football as you do about the Chinese alphabet!“

“I zink zat you dodges because you are and afraid.”

“ I tink so, too.”

“ Oh, it’s no good arguing with you!‘‘ said Wharton, laughing. “It’s a custom in England to learn and football for more than a few days before you start challenging teams to play matches with you.’’

“ Zat is all right for ze stupid English. Ze Frenchmen learn ze game quick—-— “

“And te Sherman learn him ferry quick, ain’t it

“ Ve brands you as a coward if you not play.”

“Goot ! Ve prands him as a goward !”

“ Oh, go ahead with the branding, then !“ said Wharton. “Go and get it done while we’re finishing our prep. Good-night!“

Meunier waved his hand them at the Cloe.

“Ciel! I depises you, and points ze finger of ze scorn at you ! Adieu !“

And the deputation solemnly point six fingers of scorn at the Removites once more, and then shrugged up their shoulders, and marched out of the study.

Harry Wharton sank into a chair, and gasped with merriment.

“My only hat !“ he murmured. “Those fellows are too funny to live ! I can see the remove team playing a match with them. Ha, ha, ha!”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“Hallo, hallo, hallo ! What’s that fearful row?”

There was a sound of bumping on the stairs. The chums rushed to the door. The alien deputation was being rolled down the stairs by Bulstrode& Co., who had been waiting for them to come out.

Wharton ran downstairs with knitted brows.

“Let them alone; there a deputation !“

“ Oh, rats !” and said Bulstrode .

Harry slung him aside, and he sat down with violence on the stairs.

The other Removites crowded back at the Form captain’s voice, and

the breathless aliens took to their heels, and vanished in the dusk of the Close.

THE SIXTH CHAPTER.

A Disappointment for Bunter.

THE chums of the Remove were still chuckling over the visit of the aliens and the absurd challenge, when Billy Bunter came into the study.

Bunter’s face was very glum. His nose was red, and his eyes were watering, and he kept up a sniffing and a snuffling that were almost incessant. V certainly had a cold, but his sufferings where probably not quite so great

as he wished the Removites to believe.

“Hallo, hallo, hallo!’’ exclaimed Bob Cherry, in apparent surprise. “ Billy’s got a cold !“

Bunter blinked at him indignantly.

“You knew I’d got a gold !“ he grunted.

“Did I? Yes, now I think of it, so I did “assented Bob Cherry. “ I suppose it’s the same cold you had this afternoon?”

Bunter did not deign to reply to that frivolous question.

He turned to Harry Wharton. The captain of the Lower Fourth had finished his prep.. and had opened the latest number of ‘The Gem,’ to look at the football pictures

“ I say, Wharton, you gan see I’ve got a gold?” he remarked.

‘Yes, you look like it, Billy,” assented Wharton. “ Have you seen this picture yet?”

“I’m too ill to think about football competitions !“ grunted Bunter. ‘You know what I need for a cold.”

“Exercise is a good thing.” said Bob Cherry. “If you like, I’ll chase you up and down the corridor with a knotted towel. I’d willingly do any little thing I could to cure you. You might give us the cold if you’re not cured.”

“Oh, really, Cherry‘

“Or you could give up eating for a time,” suggested Nugent. “You feed a. fever and starve a cold, you know.”

“ A lot you knew about it!” grunted Billy Bunter. You feed a gold and starve a fever. I should think everybody knows that. I was going to suggest, as there’s danger of you fellows catching my cold——”

“You were going to suggest staying out of the study tell your well?”

“Nothing of the sort, Nugent. I—”

“You could put up in the box-room, you know.”

“Oh1 really, Nugent! I was going to suggest that you fellows should club together and help me get rid of the gold by feeding it.”

“ the cheekfullness of the honourable Bunter is terrific.”

“I don’t see it !“ said Billy Bunter warmly. “We had an epidemic of colds here a short time ago. I suppose you don’t want all that over again—the whole Remove going about coughing and sneezing and sniffling. And I’m jolly dangerous when I’ve got a gold, People always catch it. You fellows are bound to have it.”

“ You’ll get slain if you give it to me,” said Bob Cherry. “ I shan't case you good-night till you’re quite well again, so there!”

“Oh, really, Cherry. I wish you wouldn’t make fun of a serious subject. It would be no joke for me to expire in agony in this study some evening when you’re doing your prep. - “

“ You’ll jolly well get a thick ear if you start doing anything of the sort.!”

“I’ve got a delicate constitution, and I can only keep going by having plenty of noticing food. The proper thing to do with a gold is to feed it. I shall have to raise funds somehow to feed it. It’s important. I have been disappointed about a postal-order, or I wouldn’t think of troubling you selfish bounders on the subject.”

‘ Which postal order have you been disappointed about?” asked Bob Cherry innocently. “‘The one that was coming this morning, the one that was coming last week, or the one that was coming the week before?”

“As a matter of fact, I’ve had several disappointments lately. People are so selfish, and the post is so unreliable. I was going down to the post office to inquire about a postal order, only this beastly gold has come on and stopped me. I’m pretty sure there’s a ledder for me there, and the iddiods haven’t delivered id. But apart from the postal-order, you know jolly well I shall be in funds in a few weeks, when I have roped in ‘‘ The Gem’ prize of a pound a week for thirteen weeks. I’m willing to pay ten per cent. for the use of a loan——”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“I say, Vhartod, how much can you advance me off that pound a week !“

“Sixpence ‘ said Harry, laughing.

“Oh, really , Whartod!“

“The fact is, the Fifth of November has run away with most of the cash,’ said Harry. “ We’re short of tin. Besides that, I don’t believe in gorging as a cure for a cold. It would be better for you to lead the simple life for a bit.”

“You ought to know that the proper thig is feedig a gold –“

“Well, feed it in moderation, then. We’re not starved here. You get enough meals for any ordinary hippopotamus –“

“Oh, really, Whartod ——“

“And you ought to slacken down when you’re ill. If you didn’t overeat yourself, you wouldn’t be so liable to catch a cold.”

“I suppose a fellow can’t help gatchig a. gold when he’s dugged in a fountain,’ said Billy Bunter. “ If you fellows had bagged me up, as a high wanted you to, those rodders couldn’t have played that rodden trig on me.”

“The fact is, Bunty, you’re not cut out for a leader, and raiding is quite out of your line,” said Wharton, laughing.

“Oh, I know my abilities have caused a lot of jealousy in this study

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“Still, the question is, what am I to do aboud feedig my gold? I don’t want to give it to all the Remove. I should be sincerely sorry to see you fellows gatch it; bul that’s bound to happen if I don’t get gured.”

“Ask Mr. Quelch to send you into the sanatorium.”

Billy Bunter shuddered.

I was put in the sanatorium last time, Whartod. They give you hardly anythig to eat, and I was a mere ghost when I came out.”

“A jolly substantial ghost !“ said Bob Cherry.

“ I felt that I had been wastig away. Of course, I didn’t expect sympathy in this study,” said Billy Bunter. “I thig you might raise a fund for gurig my gold, though—-if only for your own sakes.”

“My hat! It would be cheap to shut him up for a couple of bob!“ said Bob Cherry. “ There’s my only to tanner to the good cause!”

“And there’s another” said Wharton.

“And there’s threepence” said Nugent. “That leaves me a French penny.”

The nabob of Bhanipur added a half-crown to the little heap of coins.

Billy Bunter’s eyes glistening behind his spectacles.

“ Well, that’s not so bad !” he remarked, gathering up the coins. “I regard this as a loan, of course.”

‘Oh, of course” said Nugent: “you always do.”

“Oh, really, Nugent! I want that to be distinctly understood, I know there are fellows in some quarters who regard me in the light Of a cadger, but I don’t think anybody here can say that I ever received any tin as a gift.”

“The contactfulness of the honourablo dummy’s statement is terrific.”

“I regard this as a loan, to b repaid out of the price in ‘The Gem’ football competition. Let me see – six pence to Whartod, sixpence to Cherry, threepence to Nugent, and two.and-six to Inky. That’s three-and-maintains. If you like to stand another threepence, it will make a level four bob.”

The nabob silently drew three pennies from his pocket, and passed them to Bunter.

Billy Bunter jingled them into his pocket.

“I’ll enter it all up on the account,” he said. “I owe you fellows some liddle accounts already —“

“Ha, ha, ha!”

‘ I don't see au Why thig to gackle at in that, Cherry. ‘I owe you fellows some liddle accounts already, and I’ll put these on. I’d bedder be getting along now before Mrs. Mimble gloses the dugshop.”

And Billy Bunter hurried off to the school#.

Bulstrode was lounging in the doorway, and he grinned at the sight of Billy’s red and puffy face.

“Got a cold?’ he asked, with an air of surprise.

“You know jolly well I’ve got a gold,” said Bunter. “It was all your fault, too!”

“Well, if a reckless will fellow wifl go dashing into danger, without thinking of the odds——” said Bulstrode.

Bunter looked pleased. He rather fancied the picture of himself as a reckless fellow rushing into danger.

“Well, I suppose it gan’t be helped,” he said. “I was always rather reckless when my blood was up, you know. Fellows often thig I’m a peaceful chap, but I’m nod, you know. When my blood’s up, I go ahead like anythig. I –“

“Ha, ha, ha !“

“ I edon’t see what you’re gacklig at,” said Bunter, dimly realising that Bulstrode had been joking. “I thig you’re a rodder, anyway. The least you gan do under the circumstances is to help b feed my gold,”

“Is that what you’ve come here for?” grinned Skinner, coming up.

“Yes, rather! The fellows in No. 1 have raised, four bob for me to feed my gold, and——”

Bulstrode shook his head solemnly,

‘ It won’t do, Bunter.”

“What won’t do?”

“Feeding a cold. You ought to feed a fever and starve a cold.”

“No, you’ve got it wrong, Bulstrode. You feed a gold , and starve a fever.”

“ I suppose I ought to know,” said Bulstrode. “ If you’re going to contradict me, Bunter, you’d better—”

“I—I don’d want to gontradict you, Bulstrode!“ gasped Bunter as the Remove bully’s look had grown threatening. “I -- It’s all right. Have it which way you like, but I’m going to feed my gold. I subbose I gan do as I l Like with my own gold?”

“That’s just where you make the mistakc,” said Bulstrode. “You say you’ve cut four bob?”

“Yes; they subscribed it in Study No. 1—”

“ Show it me !”

Bunter drew out a handful of assorted coins. Bulstrode gripped his wrist, and calmly extracted the coins from his palm. Bunter watched his preceding in utter dismay.

“Wh-wh-What are you doig, Bulstrode?” he gasped.

“ You owe me this tin,” said Bulstrode. “I’ll have it off the old account.”

“But – but --I --I say, Bulstrode --‘

“Don’t you owe me the money? exclaimed Bulstrode threateningly.

‘ Ye-e-e-es, I owe you some tin—you used to lend me money when you were in Study No. 1, before Cherry

‘ Well, then, isn’t it about time you squared’”

“I—I—I’ve been disappointed about a postal order.”

“I’ll take this on account, and you can square up the rest when the postal-order comes,’ said Bulstrode, with a grin. “Fact is, money is tight just now. I blued all my tin on the Fifth. This will come in useful”

“But—but—but really—“

“It’s all right. Come and have a feed, Skinner, old chap? ”

“Certainly !” grinned Skinner.

“ I—I say, you fellows, I— I - You’re not goig to rob me like that, Bulstrode!“

“ what’s that?” roared Bulstrode.“Rob you! Don’t you owe me the money, and ten times as much, you young sweep?

‘ Ye-e-e-es. but—but-“ and

“Then what have you got to complain about? Here, come in, and you can have a few tarts if you like. There’s nothing mean about me.’

The bully of the Remove went into the tuckshop with Skinner. Bunter stood gazing after him in dismay. But one thing was certain—there was no getting the money back from Bulstrode . And it was useless to complain to anybody, for, as a matter of fact, his indebtedness to Bulstrode amounted to several pounds in all. Bulstrode was good-natured sometimes, and he was often in funds; and Billy Bunter had a way of extracting money from the most unlikely individuals. It occurred to Billy that he might as well have the tarts, at all events, so he followed Bu1trode and Skinner into the shop. The two practical jokers of the Remove were chuckling over their feed, enjoying Bunter’s discomfiture as much as Mrs. Mimble’s good things. And Billy had the pleasure of seeing them dispose of a really good feast, while he had to content himself with half a dozen tarts, and penny ones at that.

Billy Bunter left the talk show with feelings too deep for words . He left Bulstrode and Skinner still eating cream puffs and roaring with laughter,

The fat junior had cleared out Study No. 1 for the purpose of feeding his cold, and this was the result. His cold, like the sea in Kipling’s poem, cried to him still unfit.

THE SEVENTH CHAPTER,

The Deceivers.

TEMPLE, Dabney & Co., of the Upper Fourth at Greyfriars were chatting in the junior common-room, when Billy Bunter came in with a handkerchief to his nose, sniffing. The Upper Fourth fellows glanced at him, and sniffed, too.

Young grampus!“ said Temple. “You never see that chap but what he’s sniffing and snorting.”

“Ought to be muzzled,” said Fry.

“Oh, rather !“ agreed Dabney.

“I’ve got a gold, you fellows.” Said Bunter, blinking at the trio. “I don’t subbose it will be gured until I’m able to feed it properly.”

“You’ve always got a cold,” grunted Temple.

“It’s only the second one I’ve had this term.”

“Well, why don’t you keep in your own study when you’ve got a beastly cold, or go into how the sanatorium? You might give it to us.”

“I thig that’s very likely,” said Bunter. “I’m an awfully dangerous fellow to have a gold, as I always give it to people. ”

“Here, get farther off !“

“I say, you fellows, I’ve had lots of golds, and I’ve always cured them in the same way. They only want feeding. It has occurred to me that fellows who don’t want to catch my gold might raise some tin for me to feed it, and cure it, for their own sakes. If you fellows like to raise ten bob or so for that purpose, you can have it back out of the pound a week prize in ‘The Gem.’

“I can see us doing it,” remarked Temple.

“Oh, rather !” grinned Dabney.

“ I say, you fellows, I could do with five bob, you know. I shouldn’t have gaught this gold if Whartod had bagged me up properly this mornig. You know, I wish I had spoken to you fellows now instead, and——”

“Keep farther off, you puffing grampus !”

“ Certainly, but I say, Temple, you, can stand five bob --

“Well, he ought to have his cold cured,” said Temple, with a wink at his companions. “I suppose that, as heads of the juniors , we are called upon to do something.

“Oh, rather !‘‘ said Dabney.

“Just what I was thinking,” Fry remarked, with a nod.

Billy Bunter’s eyes glistened. He knew that Temple had plenty of money, as a rule, and the sudden, obliging humor of the Upper Fourth trio made his hopes rise.

“I say, that’s very decent of you, you fellows,” he said eagerly. “Come to thig of it, it would be bedder to give the cold a really good feed , and a pound would be all right –“

“A pound of what ?“ asked Fry.

“ I mean a pound—a sovereign, you know “

“Oh, I see! Do you think a pound would be enough to give it a regular good feed, you know?” said Temple seriously.

“ Well, of course, it would be done bedder on thirty bob,” said Bunter, with beating heart. “ I know you leave lots of cash, Temple, and I wish I’d spoken to you before about it. You can have it all back out of ‘The Gem’ football prize.”

You’re quite certain of getting that ?“

“Oh, absolutely You see, I’m the only fellow in the college who can really guess what the pictures mean. They represent the names of footballers, you know, and I guess them straight off every time, and the other fellows in Study No. 1 and never have the same solutions that I get. I’m pretty certain of the first prize, and that’s a pound a week for thirteen weeks—a jolly good prize. I’m goig to stand a series of big feeds when I get it, and I should be glad for you fellows to come. Yes, certainly, thirty shilligs would be enough for me now, Temple.”

“ Don’t stint yourself, Bunter, you know. Make it as much as you like.”

“Well, I must say that that’s generous of you, Temple. Upon the whole, I suppose I may as well make it two pounds. That will cover everythig.”

“But will two pounds be enough?“

“Yes, I thig so—unIess you’d like to make it more –“

“It’s not a question of what I like, but of what you need,” said Temple solemnly.

“ Your cold has to be cured at any price. No false modesty, you know. If two pounds wouldn’t be enough, say so.”

“Oh, rather !“

“Well, really, Temple, I must say this is ripping of you. Of course, though you can get a good feed for two pounds, you can get a bedder one for three, That stands to reason.”

“Something in that, Dab “

“Oh, rather”

“Then you think three pounds would be a buyout mark “ said Temple.

“It would be ribbig !“

“Think it over once more, Bmunty, Don’t err on the side of being too moderate. In my opinion, a flavor would meet the case more completely. Of course, I don’t want to override your opinion,” said Temple modestly. “ Still, I can’t help thinking that a fiver is what you really want to give your cold a thorough feeding.”

“You—you’re a prince,” said Bunter, almost gasping. “A fiver would do me down ribbigly. If you can stand a fiver, Temple

“My dear Bunter, I can lend you a fiver quite as easily as I can lend you five bob.”

“Good! Hand it over, then.”

“Hand over what ?“

“The fiver.”

“What fiver?”

“The—the fiver you are going to lend me.”

“You’re making a little mistake, Bunter,” said Temple blandly “I’m not going to lend you a fiver. What put that idea into your head?”

“I—I—you—you said –“

“My dear chap, I was simply trying to help you arrive at an exact estimate of what you really require for your cold,”

“ I—I—you—you—you –“

“ I felt that I ought to do something for you,” said temple seriously. “ I couldn’t lend you any money, but I’ve helped you work it out, now, and vou know exactly what you want. All you have to do now is to get somebody to lend you a fiver.”

“Oh, rather “

“I’ve no doubt somebody will jump at the chance. Anyway, I’ve done the best I can for you. You don’t look grateful.”

“You—you—you beast !“

“Such is life !“ said Temple, looking pathetically at his chums. “You take a lot of trouble to help a chap because he’s ill, and so far from feeling decently grateful, he calls you names. It reminds me of something in Shakespeare— or was it Miltou—”

“Blessed if I know” said Fry.

‘ I forget now, but it was something that just meets the case – something about a thankless serpent or something— or an ungrateful tooth”

“It’s from King Lear” grunted Fry. “‘ How sharper than a certain to’s tooth it is to have a vital as child.’

“ Yes, that’s it. I knew it was something about a serpent, or a tooth, or something. How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless Bunter.”

“You beasts!“ said Bunter.

“Oh, come away !“ said Temple. “ I can’t stand in credited. There are a lot of things I can stand, but I can’t stand ingratitude. There’s something else in Shakespeare that touches on the case, but I can’t recall it now; something about wintry wind”

“Blow, blow, thou winter wind,’ “ said Fry, “ ‘thou art not so unkind as man’s ingratitude.’

“Good ! Is that Shakespeare, or Tennyson “

“Shakespeare, ass !”

“Oh, all right! Blow, blow, thou winter wind, thou art not so unkind as Bunter’s ingratitude. How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is --“

“You rodders !“

“Come away! The sight of ingratitude always affects me painfully,” said Temple. “ I’ve worked out the whole problem for him, and now he’s only (‘t to borrow a fiver of somebody, and still he is sharper than a serpent’s tooth.

Come away! “

And Temple, Dabney & Co. shook their heads solemnly and walked off, leaving Bunter gazing after them with an absolutely ferocious expression upon his fat face. He had almost felt the crisp fiver rustling in his fingers, and it was too and bad to be done like this.

“The rodders !“ muttered Bunter. ‘ They were only roddig all the time! I suppose I’d bedder go and try the Chinee, and if he fails me, I’ll ask Mr. Quelch for an advance on my bogged money. I don’t see why a Formmastcr shouldn’t make a fellow an advance on his bogged money. I know he has advanced cash to Whartod before now, and I don’t believe in favoritism.”

THE EIGHTH CHAPTER.

Still Unfed.

THERE was a sweet smell proceeding from the study occupied by Wun Lung, the Chinese member of the Remove, as Billy Bunter drew near it—a very sweet smell to Bunter, for it was the fragrant odour of a stew. Wun Lung, the Chinee, was a great hand at cooking, though the materials he used were not always to the taste of English boys. Dogs and cats being common articles of diet, in China, Wun Lung saw no harm in a dog or a cat stew, but the other fellows in the Remove quaked at the mere thought of them. The Remove had not forgotten a celebrated feed given by the Chinese junior, when they had discovered— too late— that the solid portion of the appetizing stew he provided had been supplied by the housekeeper’s Fido. And Bunter, after the first joyful sniff of the scent from the study, remembered Fido and shuddered.

He peeped in at the half-open door. There was a good fire in the grate, and a saucepan was bubbling at it. Wun Lung, with his this sleeves pushed back, was attending to the stew. He looked round as Bunter pushed the door open, and beamed upon the fat junior.

“Hallo !“ said Bunter.

“Allee light,” murmured the Celestial. “Comee in! Me pleasee if Buntel stayee to glub with me.”

“Well, what kind of grub is it ?“ said Bunter suspiciously. “I’m jolly hungry, and I want to feed my gold, but I don’t want any dog stews.”

“No doggee.”

Bunter looked relieved.

“Oh, that’s all right, then! It cerdainly smells ribbing. What is it made of?”

“ Cattee.”

Bunter shuddercd.

“You—you horrid youg cannibal! A cat’s as bad as a dog!’

Wun Lung’s almond and eyes opened wide.

“Nicee cattee---nicee-nicee Better than labbit.”

“Rads! If it were a rabbit, now You yug ass, why couldn’t you make a rabbit stew ?“ said Bunter regretfully.

“Cattee better.”

“Rada You’re a horrid Chinese pig,” muttered Bunter. “Are you really goig to eat that filthy stuff ?“

“No filthy—nicee-nicee— me eatee with chopstick.”

“Well, I’d stay to supper with you, Wun Lung, if you’d have somethig to eat like a decent Christian,” said Bunter, in disgust. ‘ But there, you’re a rodden heathen, and you don’t know any bedder. I say, Wun Lung, old chap, can you lend me five bob?’

‘No lendee cashee.”

“Rads! You’ve got plenty of money, I know.”

“Me spendee cashee on firewolks.”

Billy Bunter grunted discontentedly.

“Blessed if every silly in the school hasn’t wasted all his tin on fire works !” he growled. I thig the Fifth of November of ought to be abolished. It’s a sinful waste to spend money on fireworks that ought to go in good grub. How the diggens am I goig to feed my beastly cold?”

“No savvy!”

“Look here, can you make it half-a-crown ?“

“No cashee.”

“A bob would be bedder thad nothig.”

“No cashee. Stayee eatee stew if hungly: nicee nicee.’

“Gr-r-r” said Bunter. “ I’m fearfully famished, but I draw a line at cats, you rodden horrid heathen. Go and ead goke!”

And he walked out of the study discontentedly. Wun Lung grinned, and served up his stew, and started work with his chopsticks. Bunter drifted back to Study No. 1, but he found it dark and empty. The chums of the Remove were downstairs. Bunter went down, and discovered Wharton and his friends in the common-room, puzzling over the pictures in the football competition,

“ Hallo hallo hallo! Had that feed?” asked Bob Cherry.

“Feel any better?”

“No, I don’t,” grunted Bunter. “I haven’t had the feed . Bulstrode stole the cash !“

“ Eh?“

“Well, he took id away from me.”

“ What’s that?” said Harry Wharton, looking up quickly. “Are you telling the truth, Billy?”

“If you doubt my word, Whartod, I——”

“Don’t be an ass! Do you Bulstrode took the money from you?”

“He pretended I owed it to him.”

“And didn’t you?”

“Well, I owe him some money, I suppose , but that was an old account.” Billy Bunter evidently considered it very unjust and that he should be called upon to pay an old account. “It was frightfully mean g him to dake the money I was goig to feed my gold with.”

“I suppose he did it for a lark,” said Wharton. “It was mean enough, too ! But if you owe him the money you can’t grumble.”

“Can’t he?” grinned Bob Cherry “You don’t know Billy if you think he can’t grumble. He could grumble the hind leg off a mule !”

“ I thig you fellows ought to do somethig for me”

“We’ve done all we can, Billy, and we’re stony. Better try the simple life for a change. It will bring down your fat”

“Oh, really. Cherry——”

“Don’t bother now, anyway; we’re busy with these pictures.”

“ It seems rodden that I’ve a pound a week coming in a few weeks, and I can’t raise a few shillings to feed my gold. If Wharton wrote to his uncle for some tin—”

“That’s a jolly big if !“ said Wharton. “Take your cold away somewhere else, Billy, there’s a good chap, and be quiet.”

It was not of much use telling Billy Bunter to be quiet.

“He grumbled for the rest of the evening to everyone who would listen to him—and to many who wouldn’t. When Wingate of the Sixth, the captain of Greyfriars, looked into the common-Room and to tell the juniors to be off to bed, Billy Bunter sidled up to him.

‘ I say, Wingate, I’ve got a fearful cold.”

“Sorry !“ said Wingate. Don’t come near me. I don’t want to catch it.”

“I was thiggig—-—”

“Eh?” said Wingate.

“I was thiggig——”

“What the deuce do you mean by thiggig?”

“I was thiggig that you might be wilhg——”

“Oh, you were thinking! Why don’t you speak plainly?”

“How gan I speak blainly when I’ve got a fearful gold? I was thiggig that you might be willig to help me gure this gold——”

“Can I do anything for you?”

“Yes, rather You see, the proper thig is to feed a gold and starve a fever . I want to feed this gold, but I haven’t any tin”

“Don’t you get any meals at rnealtime?”

“I never ged enough, Wingate; and, besides, I want to feed up this cold and extra well, to get the beastly thig gured. If you could lend me ten bob, you could have it back out of the price I shall be gettig shortly in ‘The Gem’ football competition——”

“You young ass ! Get off to bed!“

“Won’t you lend me the ten bob, to gure my gold!”

“I’ll lend you a thick ear, to cure your confounded cheek, if you don’t shut up!” said the captain of Greyfriars. Buzz off, you youngsters !“

Billy Bunter discontentedly went up to bed with the Form. He looked very sulky when he tumbled into bed. He was accustomed to taking such sums from the chums of Study No. 1 that he felt deeply injured when the horn of plenty ceased to flow. He was firmly convinced that it was imperatively necessary to feed his cold. He grunted and sniffed pathetically as he drew the bedclothes about him

“My hat, we can’t stand that row in the dormitory !” exclaimed Bulstrode. “Bunter, if you don’t shut up, I’ll come and pour a jug of water over you !“

“Oh, really, Bulstrode——”

“Might as well be in a pigsty. Do you think I’m gong to stay awake all night listening to your grunting?” declared Bulstrode.

‘‘It was your fault I gaught a gold.”

“Well, it will, be your own fault if I drench you with cold water,” said Bulstrode, “and I’ll jolly well do it if you don’t shut up.”

And Bunter shut up. The pathetic sniffs and snuffles were stilled, and Bunter soon fell asleep and forgot all about his cold.

THE NINTH CHAPTER.

The Challenge Accepted.

‘ PEEGS !”

‘Gowards !”

“Poltroons !”

“Yah ! “

The uncomplimentary epithets were shrieked at the chums of the Remove as they came out early the following morning, for a little football practice before breakfast.

The aliens were ready for them 9

Hoffman& Co. were waiting, and they shrieked at the Removites the moment they made their appearance. Harry Wharton and his chums stared at the foreign youths, who were all shrugging up their shoulders and pointing the finger of scorn at them.

“Peegs “

“Gowards!“

“ Dey are afraid to play us in te feetball !“

“Yah! Zey are terrified of to meet us.”

“Zat is correct.”

“Mein gootness! I despises tem !’

“Ciel! I feels ze crushing contempt !”

“Yah, yah, yah !”

“Hallo, hallo, hallo!” exclaimed Bob Cherry. “What’s the matter with our foreign friends? They seem excited this morning.”

“The excitefulness is terrific,”

‘ Ha ha, ha!” roared Nugent . “They’re pointing the giddy finger of scorn at us because we won’t meet them at footer.”

“Peegs! Cowards! Yah! Poltroons! Yah !”

“ I tink tat ve shows our fearful gontempt, ain’t it!”

“I zink zat ve crushes zem viz ze depision.”

“Ha, ha, ha !”

Other fellows wore crowding out, and they all stared at the foreigners in amazement. They excitable aliens shrieked and yelled and pointed the finger of scorn, and shrugged up their shoulders till it seemed as if they must go out of joint. The Removites yelled with laughter. Their laughter only excited the aliens more, and they shrugged gesticulated frantically.

“My hat!” exclaimed Hazeldean. “We can’t stand this row. It’s worse than a heap of monkeys! Let’s clear‘em out.”

“Good idea !“ said Bob Cherry. “Come on !”

And the Remove charged. The aliens shrieked in real earnest now. They had no chance of stopping that charge, which sent thorn careering away. The pursuit of the Remove was hot, and many of the unlucky aliens were rolled over in the Close, and given better reason to yell than they had had before.

The discomfited aliens disappeared into the Cloisters, and the clang of the iron gate showed that they had reached their own quarters.

The chums of the Remove laughed till the tears ran down their cheeks.

“They mean to shame us into At accepting their challenge,” grinned Bob Cherry. “That’s the idea. Nothing will get it out of their heads that we’ve refused because we’re afraid of getting licked on the field.”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

Harry Wharton’s brows were wrinkled a little.

“ It’s a lot of nonsense, of course’ he remarked. “ But suppose we did meet them! It’s not pleasant, upon the whole, to have the duffers think we’re afraid.”

“It would be too funny for anything. They haven’t an idea of the game, and we should look a lot of silly asses is playing them,” said Nugent.

“The sillyassfulness would be terrific.”

“Well, there’s something in that. All the same, we don’t want them shrieking at us that we’re afraid, and they’ll never get the idea out of their heads~ we lick them,” said Harry. ‘ Saturday afternoon is free, as it happens, as we’ve scratched with Redclyffe. It would be fun, if it wasn’t footer.”

“Ha, ha!” It would be funny enough but what will the fellows say?”

“Well, it would be more in the nature of a huge joke than anything else” said Harry. “ Of course the duffers can’t play footer. But I think that this will get around the school, and we shall have the Upper Fourth chippinrg us if we don’t accept the challenge.”

Harry Wharton was right on that point. Temple, Dabney & Co. were not likely to let slip such an opportunity of chipping the rival Form. They made the most of it, as was to be expected.

“I hear you’ve been challenged,” Temple remarked, as Wharton came in to morning lessons – “ challenged by a team above your weight. I should have thought that even you Remove kids could like the aliens!”

“Oh, they couldn’t lick a team of six-year-olds:“ said Fry. “But it’s rather a calm down for Greyfriars, to have a junior team refusing a challenge from such a scratch lot as these aliens.”

“Oh, rather !’

“Oh, gold and eat coke!“ said Harry Wharton. He walked away with a heightened colour, followed by aig from the Upper Fourth fellows.

“We shall have to accept, Bob,” said Harry , as they entered the class-room. “ We’ll send a message over to the aliens after lessons,”

“Good! Shall we make it a giddy deputation ?“

“ Ha, ha ! No. A messenger will do.”

Bob broke into a chuckle at the thought of what the coming foot ball much would be like. But Mr. Quelch’s severe eye on him froze the chuckle.

After morning lessons, the match was arranged. Harry Wharton decided to take the message himself, and he walked over to the Cloisters, a number of the Remove accompanying him in case of hostilities. The gate was fastened, and Wharton rattled it and drew the attention of Hoffman, Meunier & Co., who came came crowding up.

“Peegs! Gowards! Poltroons! Yah?’

“Hold your row :“ bawled Bob Cherry. “We’ve come to answer——”

‘ Peegs! Pounders! Yah!“

“ We accept your challenge.” said Harry Wharton. ‘ Do you hear? We accept your challenge, and we’ll meet you in a football match to-morrow afternoon.”

“Ach! Ve have conquered”

“Ciel ! Zat is correct.”

“Ve have shame tem into tat!”

“I zink you are right, my dear Fritz.”

We’ll meet you tomorrow afternoon,” said Harry, on our ground. You haven’t any of the fixtures. What time shall we fix for the kick-off”

“Ve plays feetball vis you in ze afternoon !“

“Will you he ready at half-past to?”

‘ Ja, ja! Ve vill be retty after, ain’t it?”

“Oui, oui! Zat is goot ! Ve vill be zere !“

“Good; then that’s settled !“ And Harry Wharton walked away.

The foreigners sent a prolonged shriek after the Removites, who were laughing like hyenas as they departed.

The whole of the Remove team entered into the spirit of the thing. The game might not be football, but it would be funny.

During the day the Greyfriars fellows who were curious enough to look through the bars of the gate could see the aliens at practice with a football. They were evidently preparing themselves for the morrow’s match. But the keenest observer on the Greyfriars side could not determine whether they were playing Association or Rugby. They certainly handled the ball to any extent, but they did not limit themselves as to the direction in which they passed it. While they were at practice, there was a group of fellows watching them through the gate, shrieking with merriment —which the aliens put down to jealousy.

Interest at Greyfriars centred in the coming election with the aliens. Even fellows in the Fifth and the Sixth asked Wharton when it was coming off, and announced their intention of being present to witness it.

“It will be worth watching !“ Wingate remarked, with a laugh. “I don’t know how much like footer it will be!”

“We declined the challenge at first, Wingate; but they shrieked at us so, we thought we’d better lick them and have done with it.”

“Quite right!” laughed the captain of Greyfriars . “ I expect you’ll have a good audience. I shall certainly be there !“

“By Jove,” remarked Bob Cherry, as the Greyfriars captain walked away, it’s a pity we didn’t think of making a show of this, and charging for admission! We shall have a bigger audience than we usually get for a remove match !“

“ I say, you fellows—”

“They’re all coming to see the fun,” remarked Wharton. “ I expect it will be a sight to make an archbishop giggle !“

“I say, you fellows, that’s nod a bad idea about chargig for admission! If you feIlow don’t want the money, you could hand it over to me, and I could expend it in feedig my gold !“ said Billy Bunter.

“Oh, dear, isn’t your cold cured yet” said Bob Cherry. “I’m getting fed up with you and your colds ! Don’t come near me !”

“Oh, really, Cherry! It might have been quite well by now if I had been able to feed it properly at the start! You have to take these things in time, you know! Still, it’s nod too late now, if you fellows—— I say, Wharton— Cherry! Dear me, I wish they wouldn’t walk away while I’m talkig !“

THE TENTH CHAPTER.

Bunter’s Last Resource.

SATURDAY morning dawned bright and cold. The Remove, now that they had grown accustomed to the idea, were looking forward to the match of the afternoon. The only member of the Form who was not thinking of the afternoon’s match was Billy Bunter. He was still thinking of his cold, which had grown worse instead of better. He snuffled pathetically in the class-room that morning, and Mr. Quelch s eyes were on him more than once.

“I say, Wharton,” said Bunter, when the Remove came out after morning school, “ I want to ask your advice.”

“Go ahead, Owl !” said Wharton tersely.

“If I were to explain the circumstances to Mr. Quelch, do you think he would give me an advance on my pocket-money“

“ What circumstances?”

“Why, the circumstances that I have a fearful gold, and that I may succumb unless I am kept up by good feedig. I should think that would touch his heart.”

“He might not believe in the remedy’

“I should explain it to him fully. As a man of sense, he must know that it’s the broper thig to feod a gold and starve a fever.”

“He will want a lot of convincing before he advance’s you any cash, I expect,” said Harry, laughing. “ But there’s no reason why you shouldn’t try, if you like. He won’t eat you, anyway.’

Billy Bunter nodded thoughtfully.

“It’s about the only thig I can think of” he said. “I subbose you wouldn’t, care to wire to your uncle to telegraph you some money for an important purpose?”

‘ Quite right; I shouldn’t.”

“I shall have to speak to Mr. Quelch, then. I’m at the end of my resources. I shall have to risk being sent into the sanatorium. If I get sent there, Wharton, I shall regard it as entirely your fault.”

“Well, I’ve no objection to that, Billy, if it’s any comfort to you.”

“Oh, really, Wharton - ”

‘ But if you want my advice, I should advise you not to bother Mr. Quelch with any nonsense,” said Harry Wharton.

“I don’t see that there is anythig else I can do under the circumstances,” replied Bunter. “My friends have all deserted me in the hour of need. Quelchy hasn’t come out of the Form-room yet. I shall just catch him.”

“The catchfulness will be terrific!“ grinned Hurree Jamset Ram Singh.

Billy Bunter went back into the Form-room. Mr. Quelch was putting away some papers in his desk, and he did not look up. Bunter coughed. Then the Remove master looked round and saw him.

“What do you want, Bunter? Do you wish to speak to me?”

“Y-e-es, if you please, sir.”

“Very well. Make haste.”

“I’ve got a gold, sir—I may say a fearful gold—you can hear it in my voice that I’m rather thick, sir, gan’t you?”

“Yes, you certainly seem to have a cold, Bunter.’

“I have always been advised to feed a gold, sir, and starve a fever. I’ve had lots of golds, and I’ve always fed ‘em, and they’ve been gured, sir, all of them.”

“ Well, they would hardly be permanent, I suppose, in any case,” remarked Mr. Quelch.

“Oh, I don’t know, sir! You never know what is goig to happen when you have a gold, if you don’t feed it. The great thig is to geep up your strength on plenty of good, nourishig food, sir. Don’t you thig it’s a good idea, sir?”

“ Probably.”

“Unfortunately, sir, at this crisis in my life, I am short of ready cash. My friends have all deserted me in the hour of need, and a postal-order im expecting has been delayed a the post. I wanted to—to ask you, sir, if—if

“You may go on,” said Mr. Quelch grimly. “There is no harm in asking, at all invents .”

Billy Bunter heart sank. The Form master’s tone was far from promising. But there was nothing for it but to go on.

“I—I thought you might advance me somethig on my pocket-Money, sir.”

“Your pocket-money, I believe, is a shilling a week, Bunter ?“

“ Yeees sir !“

“Do you find it more than sufficient to pay your expenses?”

“Oh, no, sir! I never have enough.”

Then if you spend several weeks’ pocket-money in advance, this week, what are you going to do for money later? If you never have enough now, how will you be able to manage with none at all?”

“Well, that’s looking forward a long way, sir, isn’t it?” said Bunter. “Besides, I have other resources. I am expectig a postal-order. —“

“Ahem ! and I am afraid—”

“And there’s another thig, sir,” said Billy Bunter eagerly. I expect to pe in possession of considerable funds when the football competition in the “Gem” is finished.”

“What difference can a competition in a periodical make to you, Bunter?”

“I expect to win the fifty pounds or so in prizes, sir.”

“Bunter—“

“Yes, sir. With my wonderful ability in guessing the correct answers, sir, I’m pretty certain to rope in nearly all the prizes. I may not collar the whole of the fifty pounds, but I shall certainly get a great deal of it, and then -“

“I am afraid I cannot grant your request, Bunter.”

“Oh, really, Mr. Quelch –“

“But if your cold is really bad –“

“ Id’s simply frightful, sir—“

“If you have attacks of sneezing— “

“‘ The attacks are almost incessant, sir.”

“If you cough——”

“I geep on goughing all day and night, sir.”

“Very well, You are certainly, in that case, in no fit condition to attend classes. You will take this note to the matron.”

Mr. Quelch scribbled upon a sheet and of paper, folded it, and handed it to the fat junior.

“Yes, sir. Is it an order for a good meal?”

“No; it directs that you enter the sanatorium.”

“The—the sanatorium?’

“You may go. Bunter.”

“But—but my gold isn’t so bad as all that, sir,” SP, to Bunter, utterly dismayed at the prospect of being cut off from every possible chance of a surreptitious feed. “As a matter of fact, sir, I feel bedder already.”

‘If your sneezing is as bad as you have described to me –“

“It has very much improved, sir.”

“ If you cough day and night—— —‘

“My gough is almost gone, sir.”

“Have you been attempting to deceive me, then, Bunter?” thundered the Form master.

Bunter jumped almost clear of the floor.

“N-n-no, sir! I wouldn’t do such a thig for worlds.”

“Then you are in a fit state to go into the sanatorium. Take that note to the matron at once. Another word, and I will cane you !”

Bunter left the Form-room. His face was the picture of woe. Bulstrode slapped him on the shoulder in the passage with a laugh.

“Hallo, Piggy bank You’re looking rotten.”

“I’m failing rotten,” said Bunter. “I wish somebody would suflocate Quelch. He’s been master of the Remove too long.”

“Never mind,” said Bulstrode. ‘ Look hero, Piggy, I’m giving a feed in my study this evening, to celebrate my being in funds again. You can come.”

Billy Bunter groanod in the bitterness of his spirit.

“Just my luck ! Oh, dear—oh, dear! Just my rodden luck “

“What’s the matter with you 7” demanded Bulstrode, in astonishment. “Don’t you want to come “

“I should say so—but I can’t! I’ve got to go into sanatorium for my cold.”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“There’s nothig to laugh at. I’ve got to go into sanatorium. I wish somebody would suflocate Quelch. He’s too funny to live.”

And Bunter took himself disconsolately off. Hurree Jamset Ram Singh tapped him on the shoulder, a beaming smile upon his dusky face.

“Wherefore the downcastfulness of the worthy brow ?“ he asked. “My worthy self has had a limited as in the letterful communication from my honourable guardians, and if the esteemed rotten Bunter will come to the tuckshop, 1 will stand him the grub treatfully to feed his esteemed cold.”

“Oh. great pip !” yelled the exasperated Billy. “If this isn’t enough to make a chap kick somebody, I don’t know what is! I can’t come; I’ve got to go into sanatorium.”

“ Ha, ha, ha !“

“You Inky beast! Why couldn’t you get your rotten remittance before I spoke to Quelchy? I’d like to punch somebody’s head! Oh, dear! Just my luck !“

And Bunter passed on with reluctant feet and heavy heart. There was no neglecting an order of Mr. Quelch’s. He delivered the note to the matron, and ten minutes later he was in the sanatorium.

THE ELEVENTH CHAPTER.

Greyfriars v. the Aliens.

WHILE Billy Bunter was disconsolately taking up his quarters in the school sanatorium once more, the Remove footballors were preparing for the match with the alien team. The kick-off was fixed for two- thirty, and before that time the team was all ready on the ground, and the spectators had thronged up to see the fun.

Wingate and a number of the Sixth were there, and the Fifth was well represented, and the Upper Fourth had turned up in force. The Remove, needless to say, was on the ground to a man—with the solitary exception of Billy Bunter, nursing his cold in solitary state in the sanatorium. Bob Cherry even thought that he could see the face of Mr. Quelch at the Remove master’s study window, which commented a view of the junior ground. The interest taken in the coming match was great. The fellows came down expecting to see something interesting, and they were not disappointed.

As the big hand of the clock in the tower crept towards the half-hour, many glances were cast towards the Cloisters, through which the aliens would come from the red-brick academy. Hoffman and his team evidently did not understand the importance of punctuality in football matters. But as the half-hour chimed out, there was a buzz from the crowd. The aliens were seen issuing from the Cloisters, and making for the football-ground.

Hoffman and Meunipr lead the way, arm-in- arm, evidently being on good terms now, and fairly united for the purpose of beating the Britishers at their own game. They were followed by about twenty aliens. German and French, in football costume, with startling shirts of red and black stripe. Other aliens in ordinary attire followed, all of them chattering excitedly.

Wharton gave a whistle of surprise.

“What do you make of that, Bob?” he asked. “Are they going to look on in football rig, or doesn’t Hoffman know how many fellows go to a football team?”

Bob Cherry chuckled.

“I fancy he doesn’t know. They used to play twenty in Rugby once, and that may be the latest information Hoffy has on the subject of football.”

“Ha, ha, ha!”

“ But, I say, we can’t play twenty of the howling asses !” exclaimed Nugent.

“The too-muchfulness is terrific.”

The aliens were greeted with curious stares as they arrived. Hoffman and Meunier bode politely to Harry Wharton. Hoffman had a ball under his arm.

“Ve are come,” said Hoffman. “Are you retty pefore?”

“Yes, we’re ready,” said Wharton, how many of you are going to play?”

Hoffmann waved his hand towards his merry men, “Dey are all retty pefore.”

“You r playing twenty a side?”

“Ja, ja !“

“We only play eleven in soccer and.”

“You blay as many a ve do,” said Hoffman. “Dey all blay jolly well mit feetball, and I not insult dem by leaving dem out, ain’t it.”

“Oh, very well! I dare say we can tackle twenty of you,” said Wharton. “ Anything for a quiet life.”

“Ve lets you have twenty, too, ain’t it?”

“‘ We don’t want twenty-two,” grunted Bob Cherry. “That would give us the odds.”

“I nod means twenty-two; I means twenty—too.”

“Well, that’s lucid, at all events.”

“I tinks tat—”

“I zink zat—”

“Oh, it’s all right !“ said Wharton. “We’ve arranged our team, and eleven is all right for us. Are you fellows ready? We’ll toss for goal.”

“Ve lets you take choice of goal,” said Hoffman. “Tat is only polite.”

“Ciel: Zat is correct ! Ve leavc ze choice of goal to you, mes amis.”

Harry Wharton laughed.

“ We’d rather go by the rule, if you don’t mind.”

“Zat is as you like, my dear friend.”

“Tat is gorrect.”

Wharton lost the toss. It did not make much difference, as there was hardly any wind, and the game was not likely to be a hard one for the Remove, anyway.

“Are you going to kick off, or choose your goal?” he asked.

‘ I tinks tat ve kicks off, ain’e it?’

“ I zink so, too.”

“ Good buying Line up, you chaps.”

They Remove eleven lined up, so did the alien twenty. They lined up anyhow, very few of them having any clear idea of the different duties of forwards, halves, and backs.

Limburger and LaSalle both went into goal, a proceeding that was viewed with considerable astonishment by the Removites .

“Here, I say,” shouted Bob Cherry, ‘ How many goal-keepers are you going to have?”

“Tat is all right,” said Hoffman. “ Ve tinks it only fair to share te duties between te French and te Sherman. Tat is all right!’

“My only hat! Still, I fancy Levison in our goal will be bit more useful than both those chumps over there ,” Bob Cherry remarked.

“I fancy so,” laughed Wharton.

The aliens had chosen to kick off. The leadership seemed to be divided between Hoffman and Meunier, and their excessive politeness to one another caused as much delay as their rivalry could have caused.

“It is zat you kick off, my dear Fritz.” said Meunier, Boeing two and his old adversary. Hoffman bowed in return with equal politeness.

“ Nein, nein ! It is tat you kick off, my lofed Adolphe,”

“ Non, non, my dear Fritz—”

“Mein dear Adolphe——”

“ Zen ve both kicks off togezer.”

“Tat is goot. Togedder be it, den, mein dear Adolphe.”

And the two aliens kicked off together. Neither kicked the ball, as a matter of fact, their aim being rather bad.

Hoffmarin kicked the air, and Meunier kicked Hoffman’s ankle. The German gave a fearful yell, and danced on his undamaged leg, clasping his ankle with both hands.

“Ach! I am hurt! You silly pounder !”

“Ciel ! I am sorrowful for ze accident to my belofed for its”

“Himmel ! It is noting ! It is all right.”

“I have hurt my dear Fritz——”

“It is noting, my dear Adolphe——”

“Are you ever going to kick off, you funny beggars?’ bawled Bob Cherry.

The crowd round the ropes were screaming with laughter already, and the ball was not even kicked off yet. The aliens essayed to kick off again. Hoffman kicked very hard, and missed the ball again, spun round, and set down on the turf, looking bewildered. But Meunier knocked the ball forward.

“Hold ! Ve vill have zat ball placed again so zat my friend Fritz try vunce more—”

“Oh, rather !“ growled Bob Cherry. “I don’t think !”

The Removites were on the ball.

The Remove forwards rushed it through the aliens without an effort, the foreigners scattering in bewilderment before them.

Laughing almost too much to run, Wharton and his comrades brought the ball up to the goal, and Harry kicked it in.

There was a yell round the crowd :

“Goal!“

A cold had been scored in the first thirty seconds of the match. Hoffman regained his feet by the time the teams were lining up again.

“ Is it tat te game has started?” he asked.

“Ha, ha, ha !” roared Bob Cherry. “We’ve taken a goal, dummy ! ”

“Ach! I nod see him.”

“Keep your eyes open, then.”

The aliens kicked off again. They were more on their mettle now, and they followed up the kick off with a furious rush, and a scrimmage and was soon raging.

THE TWELFTH CHAPTER

A Wonderful Football Match.

HURRAH ! yelled the crowd of Greyfriars fellows, in ecstasy.

They had expected fun, but not fun quite so rich as they now beheld. The aliens’ idea of the great game of football was very vague. The soccer and rugger codes seemed to be mixed up n their minds with ju-jitsu and gymnastic exercises of all sorts.

They handled the ball without compunction. They passed in any and every direction. Offside rules did not exist for them. When the ball went into touch, they went after it and clawed it back again.

The Remove were playing under disadvantages. They were fewer in number, the aliens being nearly two to one. Then they used only head or feet for the ball, while their opponents were ready to use feet, hands, bodies, shoulders, teeth, or anything else, either on the Leather or on the Removites, they were not particular which. And some of the remove players were so exhausted with laughing, that they could not run, which was a drawback to their game.

In spite of these disadvantages, however, the Remove continued to score.

Wharton had taken three goals in five minutes, and Bob Cherry added a couple to the core, and Nugent put in one, and the nabob one.

Seven goals to nil was the score at the end of a quarter of an hour.

Seven goals had never been taken in a Remove match before, but the scoring in this wonderful match was only starting.

“Ach! Tat ve puck up !“ gasped Hoffman, as the sides lined up again after the seventh goal “Meunier, mein friend, you packs me up.”

“Mon dieu! I packs you up like anyzing. my dear Fritz!”

“It is tat Vharton tat take most goals! I collars him next, and you runs on mit te feetball, ain’t it?”

“Cie1! Zat is ze good plan.”

Hoffman kicked off. The Remove were away with the ball in no time, and Hoffmann, springing upon Wharton from behind, bore him with a crash to the ground.

“Here, hold on !“ yelled Wharton. Get off !”

“I gots him !’ roared Hoffmann. “On te ball ! and”

“Pravo “

“On ze ball “

Bob Cherry rushed up to help his unfortunate captain. But the aliens’ rallied round, and Bob Cherry was dragged down, too, and after him Nugent. The referee was blowing his whistle frantically , but a trifle like that was nothing to the aliens. Half of them clawed hold of the Remove players, while the rest captured the ball and ran it up towards goal.

Levison was between the posts. He had been leaning against a goal-post and whistling so far, having had nothing to do. Now he was on the alert.

Meunier kicked in the ball, and Levison fisted it out easily enough. Sach caught it in his hands, and rushed into the goal with it.

It was useless to argue with the German junior. There was no time to explain to him that goals couldn’t be scored like that, nor would he probably have believed it.

Levison wasted no time in words. He hit out straight from the shoulder, and Sachs went over backwards, and the ball z over him and disappeared.

“Hurrah ! ” yelled the deleted spectators.

‘ Bravo, goalie! Splendid save ! Hurrah buying ”

“My word!” said Wingate, with the tears running down his cheeks. “This match ought to be taken on the cinematograph, and no mistake!’

Wharton and his forwards had struggled out of the grip of the aliens now. Expostulation proving useless, they had hit out right and left, and that method proved effective. They dashed into the fray again, scattering the aliens, and securing the ball.

“On the ball !“ shouted Bob Cherry. “Ha, ha, ha! Mind your back hair, Wharton!’

The Removites had rushed the ball up to the aliens’ goal. Limburger and Lasalle stood on the watch. The spectacle of two goalkeepers in one goal made the spectators shriek, but the alien goalies were in deadly earnest.

“Ach! Look out Lasalne!“ muttered Limburger.

“Ciel! Zat you looks out” said Lasalle.

The ball came whizzing in from a kick from Harry Wharton’s foot. The two aliens sprang to stop it, and their heads bumped together with what a novelist would call“a sickening thud.”

There were two simultaneous yells from the unfortunate aliens, and they sat down together in the goal, and the ball rolled behind them.

“Goal “ yelled all Greyfriars. “Ha, ha, ha !“

Bob Cherry staggered against a goal-post.

“Oh, hold me up !“ he sobbed. ‘I—I believe I shall bust my jersey and if this keeps on.”

It was the eighth goal to nil. They went back to the centre of the field, and the two goal-keepers got up, rubbing their heads ruefully. They glared at one another as they rubbed the bruises.

“Ach !” muttered Limburger. “Ach! Stupid French peast!”

“Ciel! Silly Sherman chump !”

“Fatheaded pounder !“

“Sherman peeg !”

“Ach! I tink I trashes you, you peastly French pounder !“

“I zink you not able to trash me, you Sherman rottair m”

“I soon shows you.”

And Limburger seized Lasalle, and Lasalle seized Limburger, and they were soon rolling over in the goal area, fighting like wild cats.

The Remove forwards brought the ball rushing up to the goal again. As the goal-keepers were rolling on the ground outside the gold, pummeling one another, it was not very difficult to put the ball into the net..

“Nine goals !“ gasped Harry Wharton. “Ha, ha, ha! I say , Hoffman, come and separate your goal-keepers ! This is what comes of having two of them.”

“Ha, ha, ha !“

Hoffman and Meunier came panting up. The game was a farcical one, but it was an exhausting one, too, to the aliens, who were not accustomed to it. Meunier held on to a goal-post, and gasped for breath, and Hoffman stood panting.

“Tat you stop it,” be roared. “Lasalle, let go! Lasallo, you French peast, let go of mine friend, Limburger !”

“Zat is so!“ gasped Meunier. “ and Barbara, you Sherman rottair, let go of my friend Lasalle !”

“French peast!”

“Sherman rottair !“

“Is it tat you speaks to me, Adolphe Meunier’”

“I not speak to you, Fritz Hoffmann; but ze same vords apply to all Sherman rottairs,” said Meunier disdainfully.

“ and Is it tat you look for te tick ear ?“

“I zink zat you are more likely to get ze sick ear.”

“French peastly pounder!”

“Sherman rotten peeg !”

The brief friendship was over. Hoffmann and Meunier fairly flew at one another, and soon joined Limburger and Lasalle on the ground. The Remove players shrieked with laughter, while the aliens crowded round shrieking encouragement. The fight soon spread from the leaders to the rank and file. Yells and shrieks of defiance were followed by blows and scratches and clawing, and pre long the whole of the Aryan football team, oblivious of the Remove eleven, were fighting furiously, and the Franco-German war was fairly on the go again.

The Remove players looked on in amazement and merriment.

“Well, of all the funny merchants,” gasped Bob Cherry, “I really think these freaks take the giddy Peek Frean.”

“Rather! Of all the dummies—“

“The dummifulness is terrific.”

“They won’t be fit for much more footer when they’ve done clawing one another,” Hazeldene remarked. “I vote that we clear off.”

“Right you are.”

And the Remove eleven went into the pavilion to change. It was some time before the aliens had had enough of fighting among themselves. When at last the scrimmage ended, and they looked round for the rival footballors, they found that they had the field all to themselves.

“Ciel !“ exclaimed Mounier. “Zey are gone! Zey have all run avay vhile we vas not looking after zem.”

“Ye are victorious! Hoch ! Ve are victorious !”

In the exultation of victory, the aliens could afford to forget their little differences. They had evidently beaten the Greyfriars Remove, for the Removites had abandoned the ground. Any little trifle of nine goals to nil did not enter into the alien’s calculations. They were victorious , and they rejoiced. Meunier and Hoffman, with one accord, rushed into one another’s arms and embraced.

“Mein dear friend, Adolphe, ye have peaten dem !”

“My dear friend, Fritz, ye have beaten zem “

“Ye are victorious! Hurrah, ain’t it !”

“Pravo !”

And the aliens marched off the field with exultant shrieks. The dispersing crowd shrieked, too, with uncontrollable laughter. And the Remove footballers, hearing the alien yells of victory, as they changed their clothes, simply yelled.

That football match is not likely to be soon forgotten at Greyfriars; and nothing will ever convince Hoffman, Meunier & Co. that they did not win a glorious victory.

THE END